Growing up I was always told to worry about what I can control, and I don’t think that six words have ever had such a permanent impact on who I am as a person today. Realizing that certain aspects of your life are completely out of your control can seriously alleviate frustrations, and knowing that I cant control everything in my life has kept me sane as a student-athlete. Im a textbook control freak, so I pretty much have to remind myself on a daily basis that not everything is going to be ideal or fall under Evan’s definition of just right, and that’s okay.
“Change“…One of those words that doesn’t evoke feelings until it REALLY evokes feelings. I always told myself I wasn’t someone who necessarily minded change, but I now have come to the realization that no one likes change. Its a big, scary word no matter your age or gender.
Those who know me well know that I am not an outwardly emotional person…at all (something I inherited from my dad). I tend to keep my feelings in, mostly because I have never been one to seek attention. Because of that, I would rather hide emotion than profess it. On top of that, I’m also one of those people that was blessed with the nervous habit of laughing (something I inherited from my mom). So when situations get tense, 9 times out of 10 I am preoccupied biting the inside of my mouth in an attempt to conceal a grin. It’s great.
Control. Change. Emotion.
These three words have had an overwhelming presence in my life lately. I came to the realization that I felt like a hamster running on a wheel. It sounds humorous, but I have yet to endure something more frustrating than exerting endless amounts of effort and time towards something with no results in return. Similar to the hamster that runs in circles, I felt like I was getting no where – just running through the motions. For a Type-A personality like myself, complacency is essentially a nightmare. I realized that there was much in my situation that was seemingly out of my control, but I also had the ability to take the reigns and make changes. As a result, I decided to transfer to Claremont Mckenna College. This is where change gets tied in….there’s pretty much nothing more life-changing than a big move, especially when you’re halfway through college. The word “change” used to be nothing more than what I would stick into parking meters. Now the word literally gives me chills. For the first time in awhile I have felt overwhelming emotion, emotion I cannot really keep inside. I tell the people I love about my life adjustment and tears immediately burst. I have gone through hard times before, but I truly do not think that anything has hit me in quite the same way as this has.
It’s a bittersweet journey, a freakish combination of fear and excitement. I have reprioritized my life in the biggest way possible. The hardest part to swallow was the realization that at one point my heart was on the lacrosse field, and now I have found other passions. If there’s one thing I have learned from this whole unraveling of events, its that your gut is usually right. I had this overwhelming instinctual feeling, and once I took a step in the right (but scary) direction…everything else seemed to fall into place. It’s incredibly hard knowing that I wont be a part of my best friends’ daily lives anymore, but as the cliche goes “distance means so little when friendship means so much.” I’m thankful I have amazing people in my life that supported me through this bumpy ride, and it’s my soulmates here in Eugene that have made this decision so hard for me.
As this all becomes my reality, I become more and more excited for my new journey….can’t wait to carry #CWE to a new place 🙂